Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
