She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
