I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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