sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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