So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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