grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
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