The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
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I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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