What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
