just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
