I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
