I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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