my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
