I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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