Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence