Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?