If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
