ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
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Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
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