I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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