so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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