Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
