and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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