There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
