new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Alive.
So much puke
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
