I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
