Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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