Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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