at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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