he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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