im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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