tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
