nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
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The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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