My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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