Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
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For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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