Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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