Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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