he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
