I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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