Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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