So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
