sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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