Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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