i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
