We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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