oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
