When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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