I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
