Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
