no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
