I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
