I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
