Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Two words: nipple clamps
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