The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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