some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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