please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
