But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Randomize
