I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
