I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
