So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
