Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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