my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize