What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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