Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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