Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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