Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
